Artist: Cynth ‘Ere
Title: Molly Wetbones, Revenant Of Dread
Type: Album
Label: Khothor Kontrakts (all regions and dimensions)
This being a true account of the six days it took me to save the world by the power of dungeon synth of the corpse paint, old school style as dictated by The Dice.
It was The Day. The Beginning. I had dragged my trusty Casio SK-1 into the Tower (aka the spare bedroom) the moment my Catdog partner Meowuff lapsed into a catnip and bone trance and declared that my demos so far had accidentally invoked Khothor the Wastelayer and he would appear to destroy the world in…. er a few days hence it appeared.
Thus vanished my oh long designed and hoped for proposed tour of regional honesty box libraries and the race to turn the demos into sweet grim music in the ether and lusted after artefacts of tape. Maybe a t-shirt and patch bundle too.
Day one started with promise! Khothor sent a wise and fair toad like giant fly to offer me a ten foot pole or the Masterwork Sword itself! Well the sword looked cooler even if a ten foot pole is useful for fending off adoring stalkers and internet arguments.
Gratitude expressed I immediately organised my work, for I am a Wizard!
- A new t-shirt design to celebrate the apocalypse and my meisterwerk.
- Play a gig to demo the music to my adoring dust bunny fans
- Work on fine tuning and recording the album from the demos
I of course worked hard, ignoring all but the second bag of sweet chilli rice cakes. The t-shirt design was completed in double quick time and I celebrated with a sold out gig outside the bus stop where the closest honesty library box is located.
I get home to a note from Meowuff that Khothor would destroy the world in six days. It think it is a 6 anyway as catdogs have truly terrible calligraphy skills, even without the adhering to black metal logo rules.
Day -6, urgency sets in so I have to spend half of it looking for a new pointy hat. But to make up for it I do as much as two days work on the album I have now named ‘Molly Wetbones, Queen Of The Dead’. I calculate 3 more days and it is done!
Day -5, The honesty library by the next bus stop along burns down when someone leaves a pipe of some smouldering naughtyweed in it. The gig is cancelled. But I now only need two more days to complete the album entitled ‘Molly Wetbones, Granite Of Dread’. I begin plans for a cassette release but make no progress due to a shortage of plastic so still three days work remain. But ; I am ablaze with ideas, excited and dream of riches when my genius is recognised. Praise the sweet chilli rice cakes and low calorie frozen yoghurt to come!
Day -4, I awake inspired by a dream of might Khothor and explode in a flurry of crawling out of bed. I am now not only just one day from completing the album but two days closer to the cassette release after finding some plastic under the litter tray. I suspect Meowoof may have found it for me… Sadly my patch design looks like a dead wood louse so I have to start again.
Day -3. An Asmodeus Prime delivery brings me my much delayed Ring Of Foresight and, bang! My album is FINISHED! ‘ Molly Wetbones, Raising The Bread’ is alive! And I calculate only one more days work will be required to add a patch and a cassette to the tshirt merch bundle I propose.
Day -2. I dream of lovely Khothor the Annihilator once more. Clearly I am the Chosen One. Oh and some dream about my teeth falling out. And the rabbit again. In a surge of inspiration the cassette is finished, my album is up and set free into the wilds of Bardcamp and I eagerly await a celebratory review from some tiny blog no one reads. But as the patch maker messes about the merch bundle has to ship as t-shirt and cassette only with an IOU.
A am a dungeon synth star! The firmament is my kingdom, the shadows my friends… well actually that last bit is very true. It’s where the dust bunnies live.
Day -1: When the swarm of bloated toadlfies appear, the ground shakes and all about evacuate their bowels (I am alone so…well…) I realise I misread the date of arrival of my lord and doomster Khothor. HE IS HEAR…SORRY HERE TO DEVESTATE THIS UNDESERVING WORLD!!!
However to my surprise he gives some insightful and really constructive feedback on my album which, unknown to me was shipped with a slight typo and is now famous in his dimension as ‘Molly Wetbones, Cake Of Granite’. The Unforgiving One tells me he is a huge fan and thinks the world should be spared for as long as it takes for all to hear it.
With only 20 cassettes and a dodgy internet connection I surmise that the world probably will continue being a pain in my posterior for the rest of my life, so I thank my Lord and Waster Of Slays and retire to The Tower to work on my side project of lo-fi raw black/death/noise, Deathmetalhammerfistslayerwarrior. The album is definitely entitled ‘Stick Your Hand In The Back Of My Head And Squeeze My Tongue’
It will be out soon. Maybe. Khothor willing.
(Yes I had an absolutely wonderful time with this little adventure as the Blades Of Folmor soundtrack played in the background. It’s a funny, loving nod to the perfect contradictions and wonderful eccentricities of the dungeon synth scene.
Easy to follow, clearly nicely tested indeed and the first time in an age when the dice have clearly been with me (though I had hoped to be whisked off by Kholthor to be his personal court appointed composer and giving me a front row seat for the destruction of the world but, hey, such is the life of a dungeon synth fan…)
Gizmo
Privy Press (@privy_press) • Instagram photos and videos
Notes:
1. The final album title? I have stared at one of the promo pictures for Mortal Shell II way too long. Guess which one?
2. If you remember the Thrud The Barbarian strip by Carl Critchlow in White Dwarf, you may also remember Deathmetalhammerfistslayerwarrior. Thrud is very quotable in TTRPG sessions. Particularly the line “Why do you keep saying ‘whoops’ barbarian?”
3. ‘Stick your hand in the back of my head and squeeze my tongue’ were the instructions the ‘No Comfort For Old Men’ troupe of bards found on a hand puppet in a toyshop one slightly drunk day in York
4. Molly Wetbones is the character I played all the way through the Dark Souls Trilogy and commissioned two artworks of from Abbie Stabby Art (@abbiestabby) • Instagram photos and videos.
Walking The Liminal Space 